The Weight of Another Day One
Why starting over again (and again) wears us down—and what it takes to finally move forward.
Day one’s suck.
Especially when you’ve had a few of them in a row. Especially when you tell yourself this is going to be the last time you’re going to start again. Maybe you cobble together a few days or weeks in a row, and then, wham, you’re right back where you started.
I had never thought of relating the numerous Day One’s I had when I was trying to get sober (it took me 10 years to hit my final Day One), to the numerous Day One’s I continue to have with my writing.
But the parallels are there.
And, I’m tired of them. It’s exhausting to always have to start over. And, yes, I mean technically you’re not starting ALL over, you’re just picking up from where you left off. But, it’s the never-ending loop of feeling like you’re always giving up on yourself that starts to wear you down. It gets harder and harder to believe in yourself. To pick yourself up and give it one more try.
I know what I want me it comes to my writing – a completed manuscript, a published book.
But, it’s the starting and stopping and recommitting to that goal. It’s the reading all the books and the blogs on how to be a better writer. Listening to all the podcasts on how to boost my creativity. I’m good for a few days. And, then I stop doing the one thing that really counts – I forget to write.
And then comes the heaviness of trying to rebuild trust with myself.
I give up on myself because I tell myself that it doesn’t really matter. Who cares, I’m not really hurting anyone if I don’t write this book. No one is going to know if I keep going or not. No one is going to care.
But, I care.
That should be enough. Except sometimes it isn’t. I get stuck, and that negative thinking comes so fast and hard – I can’t do anything right, I’m such a loser, I’ll never be able to write, everyone else is so much more talented than I am, why do I even kid myself, I’m just going to give up again.
I hear the same exhaustion from the women I work with, hidden deep down in excuses, and bargaining chips. They don’t deserve to be sober; they’ve tried so many times before and have failed, they’re not really hurting anyone if they have that one cocktail.
But, they are hurting someone – arguably the most important someone – they’re hurting themselves. They become stuck in the slow burn of no longer believing in themselves. Before they know it they’ve eroded all self-confidence that they’re capable of removing alcohol from their lives, and create they life they want to live.
The women I work with know what they want – a sober life, better health, to be more present in their relationships.
They’ve tried so many times to put down their nightly bottle of wine.
They’re stuck in that same loop of letting themselves down.
Instead of leaning into the writerly space I want to occupy, I let the pain that accumulates with each Day One smack me across the face.
I think back to the final Day One of my sobriety and how it felt different because I was ready to finally step into the letting go. I knew what I needed to do.
I feel the same about this new Day One and my writing. I know I need to sit down in front of my computer and do the work. I know some days are going to be glorious, where the words just flow out of my fingertips, so sweet and sultry. Other days it’s going to be a hard slog and I just need to stick in there, by showing up again – not for my clients, not for my followers who like to read my words, not for the people who have yet to find their way to my work, but for myself.
I need to stop giving up on myself. Because I am so worth this time that I spend in front of my laptop, or the time that I spend writing in my notebooks.
So, let’s put these day ones to rest. Anyone ready to join me?
Tell me about what day-one you’re tired of having, over and over again. Groundhog Day was a cute movie, but who wants to be stuck in that same pattern over and over again. Life is too short for that.
